i can only imagine

well in this last month, we've moved into our new house and i've taken on the role of Supermom. wonder how that's going.....

i've meant to blog or journal about this for a while, but haven't found the time.

since my last psychotic entry, i've learned some more things i didn't know. its kinda funny actually... in the 7 months i've been married, i've learned more about my husband than i did in the year and a half that we dated! wasn't expecting that...

however, i havent been surprised by Most of it. a few things have kinda knocked the air out of me for a while, but i'm pretty much over the most of it. (obviously, judging by last entry, things from the past still bother me from time to time, but only when provoked)

i dont want to get all specific about everything i've learned, because most of it isn't pride worthy. but in aquiring all this new information, i've seen my husband in a new light. when we first started dating, i Completely idolized him. and i suppose most people do that during the infatuation phase. i tried so hard for so long to be "good enough" for him. i tried changing who i was a few times in different ways so he'd love me. silly me of course, he already loved me. i tried to change my appearance, social behavior (sort of), music tastes, and other things i'm sure. i was pretty good at most of it too. i lost a lot of weight (and looked great, might i add), was a lot less shy (most of the time), listened to everything he listened to (enjoyed most of it, but some of it really sucked), and pretty much tried to do everything to keep him with me. :) i didnt need to try so hard though.

so most of that didnt have much to do with the "past". but it kinda does. once the truth started coming out, it was hurtful sometimes and sometimes it was sympathetic, but it was a sweet relief to finally Know. some things i had always suspected, and some things i was surprised to learn. and although it hurt, how could i be angry? seeing him feel so vulnerable while he revealed what had been hid from me for so long was, in fact, endearing. vulnerable isn't how i'd usually describe Jared - he's kind of the anti-type of vulnerable. but in those moments, that's the perfect description.

it reminded me how i tried so hard to be perfect for him, when come to find out, he wasn't perfect himself. first, it was an unconcious relief that i truly, in fact, didn't have to try so hard. he's just as human as i am, which secondly, was more endearing than ostricizing.

unlike my past, he'd done everything by choice. but in different ways than i, he's been hurt before too. he puts up a good front most of the time, but no one is that strong.

i know he didn't (or doesnt if there's anything left) want to tell me before because of how i might have reacted, but contrary to what he might think, i just want to hold him afterwards...

the past is in the past. it happened and that can't be changed. but it doesn't matter anymore because we've both started over.