well in this last month, we've moved into our new house and i've taken on the role of Supermom. wonder how that's going.....
i've meant to blog or journal about this for a while, but haven't found the time.
since my last psychotic entry, i've learned some more things i didn't know. its kinda funny actually... in the 7 months i've been married, i've learned more about my husband than i did in the year and a half that we dated! wasn't expecting that...
however, i havent been surprised by Most of it. a few things have kinda knocked the air out of me for a while, but i'm pretty much over the most of it. (obviously, judging by last entry, things from the past still bother me from time to time, but only when provoked)
i dont want to get all specific about everything i've learned, because most of it isn't pride worthy. but in aquiring all this new information, i've seen my husband in a new light. when we first started dating, i Completely idolized him. and i suppose most people do that during the infatuation phase. i tried so hard for so long to be "good enough" for him. i tried changing who i was a few times in different ways so he'd love me. silly me of course, he already loved me. i tried to change my appearance, social behavior (sort of), music tastes, and other things i'm sure. i was pretty good at most of it too. i lost a lot of weight (and looked great, might i add), was a lot less shy (most of the time), listened to everything he listened to (enjoyed most of it, but some of it really sucked), and pretty much tried to do everything to keep him with me. :) i didnt need to try so hard though.
so most of that didnt have much to do with the "past". but it kinda does. once the truth started coming out, it was hurtful sometimes and sometimes it was sympathetic, but it was a sweet relief to finally Know. some things i had always suspected, and some things i was surprised to learn. and although it hurt, how could i be angry? seeing him feel so vulnerable while he revealed what had been hid from me for so long was, in fact, endearing. vulnerable isn't how i'd usually describe Jared - he's kind of the anti-type of vulnerable. but in those moments, that's the perfect description.
it reminded me how i tried so hard to be perfect for him, when come to find out, he wasn't perfect himself. first, it was an unconcious relief that i truly, in fact, didn't have to try so hard. he's just as human as i am, which secondly, was more endearing than ostricizing.
unlike my past, he'd done everything by choice. but in different ways than i, he's been hurt before too. he puts up a good front most of the time, but no one is that strong.
i know he didn't (or doesnt if there's anything left) want to tell me before because of how i might have reacted, but contrary to what he might think, i just want to hold him afterwards...
the past is in the past. it happened and that can't be changed. but it doesn't matter anymore because we've both started over.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
sleepy...
i've gotten about 3 hours of sleep tonight. it's currently 5:45am. today is my brothers in law's wedding. i don't know how i'm going to survive except with excessive caffeine and maybe a nap. i have a hair appointment at 8 and the day takes off from there. dear husband doesnt have to do anything till 11. i feel sick to my stomach being this sleep deprived.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Lifetime Review.
I've gone through many stages of life. Infancy and toddler-hood I don't really remember. I remember bits and pieces of early childhood, from age 4 to about 10.
I went through the junior high phase when I had to be popular. It was during that time that I was introduced to pop culture and fashion. I was successfully popular for one summer.
Then I went through the homeschooler phase. I grew more introverted and enjoyed most of my solitude. I was very involved with music and Pathfinders, and I found myself in what I imagined was love with another homeschooler. I was best friends with his sister and mother. I spent every weekend at their house. We built projects for Pathfinders, he taught me how to fight with a stick (as if that's a terribly important life skill...), and I learned that "friends" didn't always mean just "friends." However enamored I fancied myself, I see how detrimental that relationship was to my ebbing self esteem. I wanted to believe the best, so I did, choosing to ignore what would be the beginning of a series of life changing events.
Then there was the Bolivian stage. What had started as a vacation turned into a year long escapade. I resisted the uprooting intitally, and then embraced it. I suddenly had freedom to come and go as I pleased. People, particularly of the male variety, drifted easily in and out of my life. I still held the majority of my confidence and innocence, and displayed it proudly. Shortly after the move, I again fell into "love." I was vulnerable enough to miss any warning signs, which there were a few of. But of all the other relationships in my life, with one huge exception, this had been the least flawed. Never the less, I was extremely naive and once things began to progress, I flung myself into a depression that didn't truly break until years later.
Then there was the Sam stage of my life. During this time, I reached all time lows that I never imagined I could. I experienced things that are unnatural to humans. I considered suicide many, many times, and came close to executing such plans on more than one occassion. I was never more alone in life. I felt abandoned by everyone, by God, left to be devoured by someone else's depraved passions. Yet I still clung to shreds of innocence. Despite my feelings of being completely alone, I refused to let my heart believe that I truly was or to give up hope entirely.
And then there was the first Jared stage. He stepped in, when we barely knew each other, and pulled me out of my living hell. Retrospectively, we had a relationship with so many odds against us, but it was never something we noticed. If our relationship had been with anyone else but us, it would've never lasted. With so much opposition from my parents, my problematic past, less than admirable friends who supplied additional pressures, few people would've been willing to look past it all. But somehow, not only did we survive, we thrived. Our first year together was incredibly tumultuous, but incredible none the less.
Then there was the second Jared stage. We found out I was pregnant. Words can't explain the levels of stress I felt. It was excrutiating. The months leading up to our wedding were some of the most difficult of my life. The morning sickness on top of all the emotional stress was simply unbearable.
And then there was the third stage. I never had an "aha" moment, realizing the difference between dating and marriage. This feeling had nothing to do with sex, but more our emotional connection. The first few months were incredibly emotional, for both of us. New facts about each other came up that we hadn't known before. Things that proved to be deeply painful and hard to forget were difficult to go through, but deepened our emotional bond.
And now, we are at a new stage. Our daugher, Kaila Evalette, has been born. So many new things do we have to adjust to now.
I went through the junior high phase when I had to be popular. It was during that time that I was introduced to pop culture and fashion. I was successfully popular for one summer.
Then I went through the homeschooler phase. I grew more introverted and enjoyed most of my solitude. I was very involved with music and Pathfinders, and I found myself in what I imagined was love with another homeschooler. I was best friends with his sister and mother. I spent every weekend at their house. We built projects for Pathfinders, he taught me how to fight with a stick (as if that's a terribly important life skill...), and I learned that "friends" didn't always mean just "friends." However enamored I fancied myself, I see how detrimental that relationship was to my ebbing self esteem. I wanted to believe the best, so I did, choosing to ignore what would be the beginning of a series of life changing events.
Then there was the Bolivian stage. What had started as a vacation turned into a year long escapade. I resisted the uprooting intitally, and then embraced it. I suddenly had freedom to come and go as I pleased. People, particularly of the male variety, drifted easily in and out of my life. I still held the majority of my confidence and innocence, and displayed it proudly. Shortly after the move, I again fell into "love." I was vulnerable enough to miss any warning signs, which there were a few of. But of all the other relationships in my life, with one huge exception, this had been the least flawed. Never the less, I was extremely naive and once things began to progress, I flung myself into a depression that didn't truly break until years later.
Then there was the Sam stage of my life. During this time, I reached all time lows that I never imagined I could. I experienced things that are unnatural to humans. I considered suicide many, many times, and came close to executing such plans on more than one occassion. I was never more alone in life. I felt abandoned by everyone, by God, left to be devoured by someone else's depraved passions. Yet I still clung to shreds of innocence. Despite my feelings of being completely alone, I refused to let my heart believe that I truly was or to give up hope entirely.
And then there was the first Jared stage. He stepped in, when we barely knew each other, and pulled me out of my living hell. Retrospectively, we had a relationship with so many odds against us, but it was never something we noticed. If our relationship had been with anyone else but us, it would've never lasted. With so much opposition from my parents, my problematic past, less than admirable friends who supplied additional pressures, few people would've been willing to look past it all. But somehow, not only did we survive, we thrived. Our first year together was incredibly tumultuous, but incredible none the less.
Then there was the second Jared stage. We found out I was pregnant. Words can't explain the levels of stress I felt. It was excrutiating. The months leading up to our wedding were some of the most difficult of my life. The morning sickness on top of all the emotional stress was simply unbearable.
And then there was the third stage. I never had an "aha" moment, realizing the difference between dating and marriage. This feeling had nothing to do with sex, but more our emotional connection. The first few months were incredibly emotional, for both of us. New facts about each other came up that we hadn't known before. Things that proved to be deeply painful and hard to forget were difficult to go through, but deepened our emotional bond.
And now, we are at a new stage. Our daugher, Kaila Evalette, has been born. So many new things do we have to adjust to now.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Pumping at 3:57 AM
Well, this is my first entry on this blog. Actually, it's my first entry on any blog in months. I used to blog all the time, sharing my thoughts and beliefs. It was like journaling, in a way. I've missed it a lot over the months.
Whether or not anyone reads this, I feel the need to explain my background.
I'm 18 years old, married, and have a 3 week old beautiful baby girl. I've gone through more difficulty in the last 3 years than I have in the rest of my life. Very few people, if any completely, know the extent of my difficulties. But I didn't create this blog to relive the past. What happened then shall stay there.
I used to be extremely religious. I actively contributed my thoughts and opinions to anyone who would listen. After a while, though, I began to draw back. Not that I had lost any personal zeal - social situations simply no longer catered to my openness. Retrospectively, such an excuse should have never held any weight to someone who sought truth with all their heart. I fancied myself as such, and then one day I woke to find that it had been many weeks since I had done any truth seeking. Since then, I have tried countless times, and a few of them half heartedly, to reconnect spiritually.
On that note, I hope to sort my thoughts and find answers by rambling on this blog. It always helped before. Why not now?
Whether or not anyone reads this, I feel the need to explain my background.
I'm 18 years old, married, and have a 3 week old beautiful baby girl. I've gone through more difficulty in the last 3 years than I have in the rest of my life. Very few people, if any completely, know the extent of my difficulties. But I didn't create this blog to relive the past. What happened then shall stay there.
I used to be extremely religious. I actively contributed my thoughts and opinions to anyone who would listen. After a while, though, I began to draw back. Not that I had lost any personal zeal - social situations simply no longer catered to my openness. Retrospectively, such an excuse should have never held any weight to someone who sought truth with all their heart. I fancied myself as such, and then one day I woke to find that it had been many weeks since I had done any truth seeking. Since then, I have tried countless times, and a few of them half heartedly, to reconnect spiritually.
On that note, I hope to sort my thoughts and find answers by rambling on this blog. It always helped before. Why not now?
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